Features

The Hot New Thing, Barcode Branding

Rangers get ready for a new addition to the campus rules. You’ve had a number, and an ID card, but starting after spring break you will have a barcode!

Yes you read that right, after spring break every student will have a mandatory barcode. This will eliminate the need for an ID card and for you to memorize your ID number; as it will be with you at all times.

District chief, Robert Scanagee said, “I think this is a great way to keep track of students, this way they will never be missing their ID card.”

We believe this will be a way to punish students who vagrantly wander around campus during class time. Students will be held during lunch and their barcode will be placed on the blacklist.

“The blacklist is a database which bans students from leaving campus before 3:17, including lunch.” Said Robert Scanagee.

The process will be, “mostly painless” and every student is required to be branded with the mark. Therefore it is not a tattoo, and doesn’t require parental approval.

If the students refuse to be branded, they will be promptly taken to the district headquarters, and in the fashion of a dystopian sci-fi novel registered in a database, and removed from the care of their parents.

These changes bring about a new sense of family and togetherness. Big brother is watching!

Expect these wonderful new additions to the Redwood campus after spring break; and embrace them openly as at least this way the only thing that hurts is the brand.

 

April Fools!

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

*